Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
