We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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