guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
