Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
