I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
