I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize