Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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