I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
