I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize