This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
