I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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