whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
