I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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