his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
