I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
