our cab driver is having phone sex.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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