Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
