peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I think I just shit out all my problems.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
