My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
