apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize