Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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