and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
