the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
