I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
