the new term for farting is butt boxing.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
