he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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