I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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