Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
