Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
