No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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