i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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