I think my fart just growled at me.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
