I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
