me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
