Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
