He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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