It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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