After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
