Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
