I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
