There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
