I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
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