First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
