remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
