Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
