listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
