closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize