I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
