Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
