i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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