So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
