I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
