How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
