Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
