apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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