Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
