I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
