I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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