i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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