Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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